The popular image says women are the romantics and men the reluctant ones. A sweeping review of the research says the evidence points the other way: on average, romantic relationships matter more to men.
The argument comes from Iris Wahring of Humboldt University of Berlin, Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota and Paul Van Lange of VU Amsterdam. Their target article in Behavioral and Brain Sciences was published online on December 26, 2024.
Rather than run a single new study, the authors pulled together findings from psychology, sociology and health research on mixed-gender couples, mostly in Western countries. They organise the evidence around four stages: finding a partner, being in a relationship, breaking up, and the aftermath.
Men want partners more and gain more from them
Single men search harder. In one recent US study, 61% of single men but only 38% of single women said they were looking for a relationship or dates. In a survey of 100,000 US adults, 48% of men and 28% of women said they had ever fallen in love at first sight, and in another study 70% of couples agreed the man said “I love you” first.
Once coupled, men seem to get more out of it. The review cites work showing that men gain larger mental and physical health benefits from having a partner than women do, and that men are more likely than women to feel that life without a partner is empty.
Breakups hit men harder
Women start most splits. Around 70% of divorces are initiated by women, with the rest split roughly evenly between husbands and mutual decisions.
Afterwards men tend to struggle more. One study found 40% of men but only 20% of women reported frequent loneliness in the year of their divorce. A large meta-analysis covering more than 500 million people found men’s mortality risk rose by 27% after a spouse’s death, compared with 15% for women, an effect the authors describe as meaningful though statistically small.
Men are also more likely to keep warm feelings toward an ex-partner, the review notes.
It comes down to who else you can talk to
The authors’ explanation centres on intimacy and emotional support. From childhood, girls tend to build close, talk-based friendships, while boys’ friendships are more often built around shared activities with less emotional sharing.
By adulthood, the gap shows in who people confide in. In one US study, 49% of men named their romantic partner as their primary confidant, against 20% of women. In a UK study, 80% of men but only about half of women saw their partner as their closest person. Almost half of US women but only about 20% of men were classed as people who both give and receive emotional support.
Because women usually have other close ties, the authors argue, they depend less on a partner for intimacy. Men often have one main source, so gaining or losing it matters more.
The authors stress the limits. The research is mostly on cisgender people in mixed-gender relationships in wealthy Western countries, and the differences are averages with plenty of overlap.
Their practical suggestion is about friendship. More than 80% of people now agree men and women can “just be friends”, and the authors argue that close friendships with women could give men a source of support that does not hinge on a single romantic partner.
Study Details:
- Title: Romantic Relationships Matter More to Men than to Women
- Authors: Iris V. Wahring, Jeffry A. Simpson, Paul A. M. Van Lange
- Journal: Behavioral and Brain Sciences
- Publication Date: December 26, 2024
- DOI: 10.1017/S0140525X24001365